He calls me "Aunt Annie"

daily meditation

Sorry for the melancholy. I'll be feeling better soon. My daily meditation says that I need to close the door on yesterday so that I may be ready and willing to move forward. I suppose that this is good advice. Yet focusing on tomorrow, not yesterday, seems to be the problem. I need to be more comfortable in the present before I can even think about next week or next year. I don't know why I can't seem to accept the randomness and chaos of life. I keep trying to put everything in its place--when no such place exists. If I were to talk to myself, I would tell me that I need to be more comfortable with not knowing how it all is going to end--and to just enjoy the ride. I probably wouldn't listen anyway :)

too much time to think

I've been feeling really inadequate lately. It seems that my self-confidence is lowering at a rate inversely proportional to my increase in independence. Such murky, muddy waters I find myself in these days. What am I looking for? How do I navigate this world feeling as alone as I do? Even with the people in my life--I am uncomfortably alone. I need a real human connection. Everything feels so superficial and temporary. I wish that someone could really, deeply know me and let me really, deeply know them. Trying to accept that this is not happening now and that I must move on...but it is paralyzing at times.

The Move: Highlights (or lowlights)

Warning: This is a bitch-fest kinda post...but it gets better at the end.

1. Twisted my ankle Monday loading the truck. This resulted in swelling and bruising for the rest of the week.
2. $465 deposit for the truck.
3. $100 worth of vaccinations for the cats.
4. Cat shitting in carrier in car on way home from vet.
5. $100 worth of boarding fees to give cats peace during move.
6. Broken glass from packing the truck improperly.
7. Arrive at new place to find it a DISASTER!:
1. Filthy dirty. Seriously, there are no words...
   
2. Broken cabinet
3. Food still in cabinets
4. Beer bottle collection still on display in living room
5. Mouse feces in kitchen cabinets
6. Bats
7. Missing screens/broken windows
8. et cetera
   

But, here are some good things:

1. The cleaning guy did a good job on the bathrooms
2. My room is now a sunny shade of yellow
3. My roommates are fabulous
4. We have all new carpet (with one exception)
5. My ankle is no longer swollen
6. The cats appear to like our room
7. Jen's dad is going to refinish our living room floor!